Season 3: The Fuck It Edition TRANSCRIPT

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Hello, lovelies and welcome back to squeaky’s cauldron. It has been a while. I know. I know. For those of you watching on YouTube, this will be your first time seeing something like this, but for those of you who are coming back to my podcast, welcome back. Thank you. Yeah, it’s been kind of a wild ride for all of us over the last year and a half and there are many, many reasons why I stopped recording. For quite some time and many reasons why I am recording again. Just a quick download on why I stopped recording. Now this goes back farther than the pandemic. After the first few episodes of squeaky’s cauldron way back in 2019, I received a letter from someone in my family who expressed that the episodes that I was recording, the things that I was saying about experiences that I’d had as a child growing up. That exploration was bringing up feelings of discomfort for them. And they did expressly say in the letter that they were not interested in me not recording, but the message that I got and the message that I’ve gotten so much from so many members of my family is that it’s my job to take care of their emotions. And whether or not that was something that this person was overtly trying to say, that was the message that I internalized. And it was from that point forward where I stopped showing up. I stopped showing up for myself. I stopped showing up for you. I stopped being as vulnerable and honest and authentic as I had initially committed myself to being. Which I apologize. Internal family dynamics. Are tough. Tough, tough, tough. And when conflict and this message of be quiet, this is not acceptable, comes from the family, comes from specifically the immediate family of origin. It can be extremely difficult to continue to stand up in your truth. It was extremely difficult for me to continue to stand up in my truth. And I needed to go through that process. I needed to be awakened to the way that that dynamic wasn’t healthy for me. And I think that this is something that we all get offered when situations like this come up is it’s not we are failing because we have caved to this particular pressure or something. It’s what are we being invited to see? So I was invited to see some really unhealthy dynamics. Like I mentioned. And to reevaluate how that particular relationship was shaped so that I could move forward in a way that was more authentic and healthy and safe for me. Here I am showing back up, this is season three now of squeaky’s cauldron, and I’m calling it the fuck it edition because fuck it like there’s so many things that I have experienced so many people trying to keep me quiet in so many different ways trying to keep me small trying to keep me predictable. And I’ve seen this, I’ve seen this echo too in many other women, especially around me, but men, too, obviously, but I’m a woman. I’m gonna speak from that perspective primarily because this is the perspective that I’m living so many voices trying to make us small. And trying to tell us to do this, stress this way, be this way, only speak about these certain things. And I just read a book by Courtney Milan. This is based back in like 1860s. It’s a romance novel, highly recommend her. She’s fantastic. But the book it sensors around the same stuff. Like, it’s so boring.

So boring to keep getting these same messages that say the way that you’re showing up isn’t appropriate. You need to be smaller. You need to in various ways. Sometimes even physically often physically. So that is to say this edition and probably hopefully God willing every edition moving forward of squeaky’s cauldron will be on some level be fuck it edition. I am so tired. Of trying to play someone else’s game. I am so tired of trying to fit inside someone else’s preconception of who I’m supposed to be. I am so tired of trying to be a particular thing, trying to be a witch that fits in this box or a Christian that fits in this box or a woman or a traveler or an introvert or an extrovert or a fucking anything fuck it. I’m here to do what I want to do. In as big and beautiful and bold as way of possible. And I am inviting all of you to come with me. If this is something that you’re interested in, if you are looking for more ways to be able to say fuck it, fuck those expectations and fuck these expectations and fuck everyone else’s expectations. And come closer and closer to your true self. And to be able to alchemize these things about yourself that seem not to fit together, but they do fit together because they’re in you. If this is something that you’re interested in, here you are, here we are. Moving forward together. I’m so so ready for this. Yeah. One of these key elements for me as I just mentioned is the intermingling of Christianity and witchcraft. And for those of you that have been listening to squeaky cauldron since the beginning or have some flavor of it, you know that this is something that’s important to me. I grew up in an evangelical household and there were many, many things about going to church that sucked, so bad. But there were also some things that were incredibly powerful. Singing in a room full of people that was magic. The community definitely left something to be desired for sure. But there was in this big mega church that we went to. People spoke in tongues. And there were a couple of times when I spoke in tongues. And that memory of that is so vivid and so raw and so real like feeling spirit moved through me in my little child body. It was transcendent. It was kind of frightening. It was something that. Really left an imprint on my soul and my spirit and my body moving forward. And for a long, long time, I very much distanced myself from any thing that had anything to do with Christianity or God, or even spirituality for a long time. And that was fine. That was what I needed to do. I needed to take that space in order to heal from the many traumas that that environment inflicted upon my poor little female bisexual which person like there’s many many reasons I understand why people don’t like the church. I don’t like the church either. But there was so much in the practice of loving Christ of following Christ, not some churches twisted explanation of cherry picked versus from the Bible, but this being of Christ this superlative being of Christ. I’m not talking about Jesus. I’m not talking about the man. I’m talking about la Christ energy. This is why I call myself a Christian is because of the Christ energy and it’s the same energy I believe that we find in Muhammad in Buddha in the Dalai Lama in many of these other manifest human people who’ve come here who display these transcendent attributes.

And I believe it is something that is in all of us. And finding my way back to that and finding my way back to the study of that and the love of that, and then figuring out which I’m still doing. How that fits in with this very visceral, very. Earthy, very, it’s like the taste of overripe cherries on my tongue and dirt underneath my fingernails and the full moon or the dark moon or the sliver of the moon about just the moon, really the moon and phase of her beauty. This element this feeling that I get around witchcraft around my practice of the craft around connecting to spirit in these very bodily ways combining that with my love of Christ and this spark that the evangelical mega church helped me find in myself bringing those things together these two things that society has told me for so long are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. How do they come together? This is what squeaky’s cauldron is about. This is what the cauldron is about. It’s about this crucible this crucible of transmutation and transformation and alkalization of things that don’t seem to fit. So we put them in to the cauldron, and we light the fire of passion underneath it, and we watch these things bubble together, and we skim the top. We skim the top so that we get rid of the stuff that doesn’t belong there. The stuff that’s been attached to these different ideas, we skim that off and throw it on the ground and let the earth reclaim it and she knows how to deal with it better than this does better than this human mind, this human body does she’s got that going for her. So we can give that to her. And then eventually what’s left in this cauldron. And again, I’m still getting to this point. I’m still working my way feeling my way towards it. But what is eventually left in this cauldron is a combination of the purest elements of these ideas. And this is what I want to bring to you through squeaky’s cauldron over and over again in a variety of different ways with interviews with courses eventually with ideas that I bring up for myself and explore with you. I want to put these things that don’t seem to sit right because of the stories we’ve been told about them. I want to put them in the cauldron. And let them boil and bubble. Until something new comes out of it. Something that sits. So perfectly. That it feels like it’s been made for us because it has been made for us. And I am excited to go on this journey with you. I’m excited to go on this journey for myself. This great, big fuck it journey, all of that stuff we’re skimming off the top, that’s the fuck it. Fuck it, it goes right on the ground. It goes right back into the earth. We don’t need that. And it’s not our job. To process that. That’s not what we’re here for. We can just get rid of it and let the earth process it. That is what she’s here for. She’s here to support us and nurture us. And we’ve been giving her a lot of stuff that she’s not designed to process. Obviously, but this, this energy, that she knows how to deal with.

That she’s very well accustomed to dealing with. So put your hands on the earth and let that shit flow out of you. Fuck it. Fuck it. Thank you for being here again and I look forward to our conversations in the future. A few things I want to mention before I go if you are watching on YouTube, please like comment and subscribe. If you are listening on some kind of podcast app, again, please subscribe and if you feel like going to Apple podcasts and leaving a review that would be super cool in the future, I will have podcast reviews available on a third party website, but we’re not quite there yet. You can find me on Instagram at squeaky’s underscore cauldron and you can also go to my website, WWW dot squeaky’s cauldron dot com if you are interested in booking a tarot reading with me, or if you’d like to take a look at some of my art. Anyone who does want to book a tarot reading with me, you can get 25% off using the code squeaky 2021. That’ll be for this episode only. I would love to hear from you too. Feel free to send me a DM. I’m here for it. Yeah. And I will see you soon. Okay. Thank you, my lovelies. Thank you for being here. And as always, use your voice.